A Faithful Choice

May 12th

Chapter 1

«I'm not keeping it,» I said to the reflection. This was the first time I had looked at myself in the mirror for the longest time.

I looked like my mother. Which was good, because I had always considered her to be the most beautiful person on the planet. But the woman staring back at me now had dark shadows under her eyes, a down-stretched mouth and an all-together drawn look.

If I looked past the obvious evidence of sleep-deprivation, I could catch a glimpse of familiarity. The blue eyes and the pale skin. The slightly upturned nose and the narrow chin. I saw her in all of it. And yet, I was also completely different.

She was something I couldn't be. A mother. A great one, at that.

"I have to take care of this," I whispered, looking down at my hands resting on my belly. "I can't keep you."

A tear splashed on my sweater. When I looked up, I realised the woman in the mirror was crying. I was crying. Again. It was all my fault. My fault for being stupid and reckless. My fault for not seeing the warning signs. My fault for getting into this mess.

A phone was ringing somewhere in the apartment, and I tore myself away. Probably better to not dwell on this any longer than necessary. What if I started to imagine what my unborn child would look like if I kept it? Which I wasn't going to. I couldn't.

"Hey, Olivia! Your phone's ringing!" The voice belonged to my roommate and best friend, Charlie. Short for Charlotte. Who, incidentally, also was quite short. So, we were a pair of little women.

"Right, I'm coming. Can you see who it is?" Hoping my voice didn't betray my emotion, I heard her pick it up to check. As I rounded the corner to the kitchen, she handed it to me. It was Rachel, my little sister.

"Do you want a sandwich?" Charlie asked me as I picked up the phone and answered.

"Sure, just make me one too," I replied, "Oh, no, sorry, that was to Charlie. Hey, Rach!" By now, my voice was definitely back to normal, and I left the kitchen to talk in my bedroom. Rachel was having some boy trouble and wanted my advice. After a short ten-minute conversation, I hung up, promising to call later tonight when she was on her date.

Setting my phone down, I took a deep breath. If there was one thing I now knew, it was how important it was to always make sure someone knew where you were. Rachel would never experience any of the things I had, if I had something to say in the matter.

It was strange really, to think about it now. That moment, when everything changed. My whole life, I had always been such a good girl. A stickler for rules and never in a mess. I was always the mediator in any fight in my friend group, the quiet child in a gang of four siblings. Well, maybe not the quiet one. But I was a very good child.

Growing up, I had known who I was, what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I was very lucky, I knew, having loving parents who adored one another and three siblings who adored me. More or less. At least, they loved me. It was a very good childhood, and I always felt secure.

My parents were members of a Pentecostal church, and I therefore grew up with it being my second home. Which was great, especially when we moved and my siblings and I had to start at a new school. Cue bullying. I was bullied and iced out for the better part of primary school. But I had a few good friends, and a whole network of people my age at church. Which was why socialising never became an issue for me.

And now… Who was I? I had never thought that I would be that person, the one who can point to one specific event and say: It changed everything forever.

Seven weeks earlier

Chapter 2

The week started just like most weeks did. With me and my colourful roommate not being on time.

"Charlie, are you coming?" I asked through a mouthful of toothpaste, a drop landing on the floor as I tried to get back to the sink to spit.

"That's disgusting, Olive! Can't you ever just brush your teeth in the bathroom? You always drip." Her exasperation at my insistence on brushing my teeth everywhere, but over the sink, was showing again.

"Sorry, you know I don't like looking at myself brushing my teeth. And are you coming? If so, you have to hurry up! I'm not missing this lecture." Shoving down the last of her bread, she hurried after me to brush her own teeth. There wasn't really room for two in front of the sink, so she unceremoniously shoved me out of her way.

"Hey!" I shouted half-heartedly and shoved back. But I was finished rinsing, so it was mostly just to spite her. She shot me a glare, and I splashed my face before I let her have the room.

"Is it Philips having the lecture today?" Charlie asked when we had finally gotten our asses out of our door. It was barely a ten-minute walk to campus, but we usually never got to class on time.

"I think so… Just let me check real quick." Fishing my phone out of my pocket, I checked today's lecture plan in my calendar. "Yes, it's him."

"So, today's walk is worth it, then." She smiled for the first time that morning, and I laughed at her.

"I would've thought going to the lecture would be worth it just for the learning outcome. But, then again, I suppose it is better when you have someone nice to look at."

"Oh, come on, you know as well as I do that these lectures aren't any fun. Well, unless it's him lecturing, of course." Charlie looked over at me, and I nodded my acquiescence. As we walked, I enjoyed the springtime sun shining on us. April was such a beautiful month, especially when the trees were starting to sprout and the grass was growing into bright green patches. My hay fever be damned; it was always a good time strolling when the sun was out in spring.

"Have you heard anything from John?"

Looking down, I ignored her question for a few paces. Until she prodded my ribs.

"No, I haven't," I said, a lump slowly forming in my throat.

"I'm sure he'll text. Or, if he doesn't, he stupider than I thought." Her matter-of-fact ton made me laugh involuntarily, and I looked up at her gratefully.

Sure, Charlie was the most annoyingly grumpy person in the morning. But when she finally started to wake up and became her usual self, she was the most fun and caring person in the world. Apart from my mom and my little sister. Which, I was sure, she would agree on.

"Did you ever talk more with…" I didn't get to finish my sentence, before she interrupted me rudely.

"Don't ask about Michael, okay. That's a chapter of my life that I would like to forget." A dramatic sigh followed. "Okay, so, I don't really want to forget. But I'm pretty sure he wants to. I mean, I haven't seen him for like two weeks!" Michael was Charlie's on-and-off-again fling. They were friends in high school and moved to Oslo at the same time. Thus, they hung out a lot at the beginning of Uni because none of them knew anyone else. One of these times, they got drunk and kissed. Nothing more, just a slightly more-than-chaste kiss.

That kiss was the catalyst of almost three years of pining on Charlie's side. He was one of those guys who dated a lot, while she, dated very little. But they always ended up together after every breakup.

I considered him a friend, because I had to meet him through Charlie. He had gradually over the years become a part of our friend group. Which consisted for the most part of people we had met in classes the first year. Now we were almost finished with our third and last year. Come to think of it, maybe I had become part of their friend group? When Charlie and I met, she already hung out with most of our now common friends.

"I don't think he wants to forget. He usually doesn't," I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. Why did I bring him up? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"But he's probably dating someone now… That's always what he does when he's silent like this. What if this time, it sticks? Like, what if he actually meets someone he likes for a change?" The real concern in her voice worried me a little. Mostly, because, she could be right. Michael dated so much that eventually, he would probably meet someone he didn't just want to see a few times before it imploded.

"See? Even you think it's likely! Oh my god, what should I do?" she despaired as we rounded the corner and suddenly found ourselves walking across campus. In one minute, we'd be at the lecture hall, and I hoped she coud pull herself together before that.

"I'm not sure I'm in the mood for a lecture right now." Her voice sad and defeated, but I took one look at her face. It was fake. She wasn't that heartbroken; she just wanted to get out of going to class. I rolled my eyes.

"Charlie. Real talk. You have barely been to any classes this semester. It's time to take this seriously. We have like two of these lectures left before we must read our asses off for exams. You have to come." It was her time to roll her eyes, but she silently agreed, following me towards the door.

Inside, someone tapped me on the shoulder. Turning around, I inhaled sharply. Exactly why I was surprised to see one of my fellow students at a class we both took, I didn't know.

"Hey," John said.

"Hi."

"And bye," Charlie said, making both John and I look at her strangely. "Oh, sorry, I'll just use the…" She left the sentence hanging as she bolted for the stairs.

"I'll find us seats," I yelled after her, and she waved in agreement on the way down.

Turning back to John, we stared at each other for a tense few seconds.

"So, how have you been?" He eventually started the conversation and I tried to smile.

"Good… You?"

"Yeah, good, you know. Yeah." The conversation stilted. My cheeks were burning and I couldn't remember a time where I had felt less comfortable in my own skin. It was only a few days ago since we'd seen each other last, but it felt like a lifetime ago.

"Do you…"

"Are you…"

We both started speaking at the time and ended up smiling. A little more at ease now.

"You first," he said, indicating me with his hand.

"No, I was just wondering if you've watched any more of that show?" As I spoke, I watched his face fell. Had he hoped I'd say something else?

"Not really, no. I kind of thought it was something we did together?" It was more of statement than a question, but he sounded unsure. Had I got him all wrong? These past few days, I'd thought he blew me off after I made it clear I didn't want to sleep with him. Yet. But maybe, he wasn't.

"Right, I haven't either." It was true. I couldn't bring myself to watch more without him.

"So, I was wondering if you'd like to…" He was interrupted by a loud commotion. The lecture was starting and everyone were piling into the lecture hall. I followed John inside, looking around for Charlie. After a while, I spotted her on the other side of the room, sitting next to a tired-looking Michael. She was waving like a maniac and I grinned at her.

"Sorry, I have to…" I pointed her out for John, who smiled politely at me and found his other friends.

Making my way over, I cursed myself for not offering to sit with him. Charlie and I saw each other all the time. Couldn't I just have hung out with him for once? As I sat down, I realised that, no, I couldn't. Because he was sitting with someone else. Looking at him from across the room, I saw that his ex had just plopped down next to him. Swishing her hair back and forth before turning to face him with a beautiful smile.

Sophia. The illustrious Sophia had returned. For the last few weeks, Sophia had been on a study trip to Spain. Now, it seemed, she was back to wreak havoc. Well, it had been fun to imagine I could date John. Even if it had been just for a very short while.

"So, you dating anyone new?" I asked Michael, as the lecturer came to a standstill at the bottom of the theatre. Charlie sent me an annoyed, but thankful look, and Michael just smiled overbearingly. This was the most frequent topic discussed between the three of us.

"As a matter of fact, no." As he said this, he sneaked a look at Charlie, and I rolled my eyes and smiled. They were so getting together soon. If he wasn't dating, something was up. Maybe he finally realised that he loved her?

The lecture went on and on. But for the first time in a few weeks, I couldn't seem to concentrate on the conversation between Michael and Charlie. I actually listened to Professor Philips.

Professor Philips was one of the youngest professors we had. His first name was Adam, and we all enjoyed the sight of him whenever he was around. His brown hair was slightly messy, curly in the front and short around the edges. Deep, brown eyes were rimmed with a pair of classy glasses and his smile was charming. He was evidently one of those professors who worked out and was taller than most of the other historians on the house. But the best part about him? He was intelligent and incredibly charismatic, which made him a joy to listen to.

There were multiple professors sharing the responsibility of lecturing in this class. Incidentally, this was the first lecture Professor Philips was teaching this spring. He was sporting a tan, possibly as the result of a research trip to Egypt. Not that I was a stalker or a fan or anything, but he was writing a paper on the ancient religions of the Mediterranean, and Egypt was amongst his subjects.

Philips took us through the fall of the Roman Empire, before he announced a short break in which Michael and Charlie talked about something I didn't listen too.

"I'm going out for some air," I said. Not waiting for an answer I didn't get, I left my seat with the rest of the people who were too restless to sit quietly and wait for the lecture to start again. Against my better judgement, I looked over at John and Sophia. They looked chummy. He laughed at something she said, and I felt a twinge of jealousy in my gut.

Outside, the sun was still shining, and the air was getting warmer. It was almost warm enough to discard my sweater. Almost. Not wanting to look at my phone, and I took a few steps out from under the ceiling and stepped into sunshine. Turned my face up to soak in some long-sought-after vitamin D.

"Boring lecture?" Someone asked at my shoulder, and I turned to see the handsome face of Adam Philips at my elbow. My heart stopped for a moment, and I opened my mouth.

"No? I mean, did it look like I was bored?" For some reason, this was my first response. I was 100% sure he hadn't noticed me inside. He probably just said it because I looked like I really needed air.

"Well, no," he said, a thoughtful look on his face. "Actually, you were one of the only ones really listening, I think." As the meaning dawned on me, I blushed pink. He noticed, smiling down at me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to creep you out by saying that. I'm Adam, by the way." Extending his hand, I shook it, a sharp jab of electricity shooting up from the contact.

"I'm Olivia. One of your students… Obviously," I said, wanting to face palm. Why couldn't I be normal for even one second? His laughter made me feel better, and I smiled up at him.

"Well, Olivia. It's very nice to meet you. Are you waiting for someone to join you out here?" He made a show of looking around. I shook my head slowly.

"No, I just needed some air. My friends don't care about the sun as much as I do."

"Their loss, really." That smile really was infectious, and I felt my own lips tear apart. "So, Olivia," he made my name sound so sweet, "you like the outdoors, I reckon?"

"Sure, yes, I do. You gathered that from me wanting some air between halves?" I was teasing him; how did I get the courage to do that? But it seemed to be working, because he continued to smile at me.

"I suppose I did. You know, it's time to get back inside. I have a lecture to lecture. But would you mind terribly if I asked to see you again? And not as an advisor or anything. Just a plain, old date." The intense gaze in his eyes terrified and excited me in equal parts. I wanted to scream yes! But I hesitated. Was it okay for a professor to ask out a student? Even if he wasn't technically my advisor or anything of the sort.

"If you don't, that's fair. I won't be mad. Disappointed, yes, but not mad." He held up his hands signalling surrender, and I couldn't help smiling.

"No, I really want to. I just… Aren't there rules against…?" I waved my arm between us in a vague gesture.

"Oh, well, actually no. As long as we're not in an advisory relationship, I am at total liberty to ask you out."

"Well, in that case, absolutely," I said, smiling what I hoped was a coy smile. Or, just, a sweet smile. He grinned back, so it seemed to do the trick anyway.

"So, we don't have time now, but meet me after class, and I'll take your number." Adam spoke as we made our way back inside the lecture hall. Entering with him felt sort of like entering with a celebrity. Everyone was staring at us. The women glaring, and the guys simply staring.

As I headed into the row where Charlie and Michael were sitting, Adam grabbed my arm gently. "Meet me after class?" I nodded and watched him step hurriedly down to take his place.

"Wait a minute!" Charlie squealed when I sat down next to her again. "Did I just see Philips touching you?" Both she and Michael were smiling from ear to ear, waiting impatiently for me to start talking. Feeling my already blushing cheeks turn a darker shade of pink, I looked down to where Adam started the second half of today's lecture.

"He might have…" I said quietly, trying to make sure no one except my two friends could hear.

"That's just unreal!" Charlie's voice was nearing a very loud whisper, making everyone in the vicinity turn our way. Including Adam. His eyes found mine, and I was sure he knew we were talking about him. But as he watched us, his lips turned upwards in a happy smile.

"True, the Roman Empire falling was unreal!" Playing with her words, Adam Philips made the whole class laugh.